I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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