she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
