Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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