Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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