I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
