I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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