I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
