you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
