I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My bed smells like the plague
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