just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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