well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
