Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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