You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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