I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
