You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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