went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
bring money and cleavage
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
