Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
