my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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