hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
