good thing vaginas are great cup holders
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
