Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
no, he came in my armpit
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
