i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
