I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
