Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
