god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
