he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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