so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
