i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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