I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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