i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
