four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
