I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
