Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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