I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
