I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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