The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
