I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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