please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So many bounce houses so little time
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
