so that wasnt chicken after all
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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