She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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