If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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