The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
this is an emotional support booty call
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
