I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
