i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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