Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
