Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
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Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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