i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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