Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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