Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
