theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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