If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
