On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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